is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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