Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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