so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
