I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
