Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
