she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
