i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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