But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Randomize
