Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I touched a dick in church today
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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