Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
