i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
