There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
