i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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