Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
