I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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