Your dad touched me again.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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