Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
