He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
