she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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