He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
