I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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