sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
