So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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