no, he came in my armpit
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
