I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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