it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
