I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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