I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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