People with herpes should wear stickers.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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