I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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