nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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