Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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