the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
