i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
