Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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