so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
