If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
