My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
me + whiskey = a bad person
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Why are your pants in the freezer?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
