i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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