dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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