Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
