Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
And then my night got REAL pukey
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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