It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
