Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
