Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
