i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i love accidental penises.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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