I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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