idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
