I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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