take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
