dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
