here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
