I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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