FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
