2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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