if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
