I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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