my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
