drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with