Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
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Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
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Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer