This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
