Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
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I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
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HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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